Melton Program - Florence Melton Adult Education Program

As published in Today, The Age, Thursday July 13, 2000

Reprinted with permission

It's rife, it's everywhere and it's not going away. I was on a tram and this woman I was sitting next to me started talking to me. She was just being friendly, telling me about her life and her family and her work, and I was going "Oh right.yeah.hmm" but I wasn't really listening; I was trying to read Who Weekly - there was a great photo of Farrah Fawcett at an airport with half her face-lift hanging off. But this woman kept talking. She was telling me about her boss and she said "He's Jewish, you know. Those Jews love money. Money is their God."

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I stopped looking at the photo of Farrah Fawcett and I looked at the woman - she was well groomed, she seemed intelligent. Why would she say something like that? First of all, didn't she consider that I might be Jewish myself? I'm probably the most Jewish-looking person in the Asian-Pacific Rim - I look like a cross between Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reisner, Larry Sanders and every other Jewish actor in an American sit-com from 1991 to 1999.

And secondly, that remark about money being my God was just absurd; money wasn't my God - my God was those little Caramello Koalas that now come in the handy 12-piece party pack. I said to her "Excuse me, but I find your comment extremely offensive," and she got all flustered.

She said, "But why?"

And I said "Because I happen to be Jewish",

And she said, "So are you a business man?"

And I said "No, I'm of the Jewish faith, that's my religion, it's about beliefs and tradition and culture"

And she said, "Oh right.so you're THAT kind of Jew. My boss is the other kind".

There's always been this weird myth about Jews and money - about how we're supposed to love money, how we're supposed to LUST for money - but it's just ridiculous. I've never lusted for money, my parents have never lusted for money, no Jewish person I've ever met has ever LUSTED for money - although there was a rumor that my Uncle Nat once got caught fondling a coin behind the dresser, but I don't think he ever went past first base with it.

It's crazy that in these modern times there are still people who think the word Jewish means stingy, or greedy, or ungenerous - it doesn't make any sense, especially when there are so many Jewish people in the community who are charitable and generous, so many patrons of art and humanitarians. And yet you still hear people using the word in a derogatory way: every time I hear a person call someone a big Jew, I always turn around to look because I think there's going to be a 20-stone rabbi standing there - but it's just some guy getting abused for being cheap.

This Jewish money-myth has haunted me all my life, even back at school. I was the only Jewish kid in my school: there was me and around 1800 Turks. There was Omar and Ali and Mehmet and Hussein, and there was this really scary kid called Mustafa. He was only 13 but he had a full beard, a hairy chest and hairy arms: this guy was born with puberty.

Anyway, Mustafa somehow found out I was Jewish - he probably took a peek while I was at the urinal - and he started tormenting me. He used to throw a two-cent coin in front of me and say "PICK IT UP JEWBOY", and I was scared of him so I had to pick up the two-cent piece. And then all the kids started doing it; they were throwing two-cent pieces at me saying "PICK IT UP, JEWBOYYYY, PICK IT UP". I was clearing about $400 a day.

And it was the same in University I was at a party with a whole bunch of university friends - these people were all educated, these people were all civilized, these people were all drunk. We'd run out of beer and we all had to chip in to buy some more, but this one guy named Geoff didn't want to chip in. His girlfriend said, "Geoff, you are such a Jew". I wasn't sure which kind of Jew she meant; I went up to her and said "Is Geoff really Jewish?"

And she said "Oh yeah, he is SO Jewish",

And I said, "Well that's a coincidence, I am too".

She just gave me a weird look - I don't think she was sure what kind of Jew I meant.

She said, "Well.then.I suppose you don't have to chip in for beer, either."

It's rife, it's everywhere and it's not going away. I didn't say anything more to the woman on the tram, there was no point. I just got up and sat somewhere else. And then the funniest thing happened: the woman got off at the next stop and she saw a 20-cent piece lying on the footpath, so she bent down and picked it up. And I just waved to her from the window.